Saturday, May 14, 2005

wRong decisIons thRough oUT my lIfe.. whY?

wHy? why am i always makIng wrong decision through oUT my life? and always regret it aFter i realiZes what i dID? why? i hAte this kInda of feeling... i wanNA feEl peace.. U nOE.. peaCe? no woRries? nO nEed to thInk aboUt what PeoPle is sayiNG behiNd me? i waNNa feel bliss.. iZzit poSsibLe...? it was haRd.. diFficult.. imposSible to achieVE... just soo... faR to reach oUt for... i neEed somebodDy to talk to.. i wanNA go to thE beach.. anD relAx... i kNow wHo to seEk out to.. bUTt.. i m just so afraiD this is aNother wroNG decison.. whYy m i alwaySs afraiD? when M i goINg to step out oF this darK hole? i nEedDd to gOo to the beaCH anD taLk OR shout or whateVEr.. as lONg as someoNE listens to it.. oR else..i m liKE sufFocated.. diEing.. baCkening awaY.. gOd.. whY is thIS so? iS this the cOrrect one? m i wrONg again? stOP playing with me!? won't u? lEt me be right foR once? won't u? guIde me aloNg.. can't u?

todaY.. was actuAlly.. quiTe a siCkening day.. i wanteD to buy the flesh iMp shiRt.. -shoRt of funds- .. siCkening feeling.. i wEnt to zP hOUse.. i was so envY tht shE and her mom waS so clOSe.. how i wiSh my mom anD i was likE tht.. i noE it was impOssible.. forget it~... anywaY.. we haD fuN.. reAlly... i asKed her helP me to customizE my shOe.. shE is always fUll of creatIvity.. alwaYs.. not baD.. this is wat siNGapoRe nEeds the mOSt.. dEn we weNt to towN... hEex.. i m a liTtle trOUblesome..maybE very trOUblesomE... hEex.. cant hElp it though.. i finAlly foUNd a shiRt tht sUIt my panTs... .. aT faR east.. bUTt.. thEre is nO siZe avaiLable.. arGh!.. onLy L left... i kEpt thiNkINg.. dEN i just decided to buY.. nVm... i liKE it .. thE colOur.. ... dEn my dAd called.. anD ask if i wouLd be joinINg them.. i say dO u want mE to join ya? dEn he say.. foRget it... i felt sOo gUIlty u noE... the tonE of his voice.. i couLd picture his impREssion and eyEs in my minD.. so afTer all the shOppings.. i hOp over to joIN them.. i m jUSt soo hapPY to seE them.. tht i gaVE them a huG.. anD my lil bRO... altHough sometimEs.. he really pISs me oFf.. but.. he is.. hmM. i don noe hoW to descriBle him.. pERhaps.. i really miSs them.. i makE a proMise to myself tht eVEryweEkends.. i wouLd aCcompany thEm... buT howevEr... thE fOollowing events just swept me over.. liKE a tidal waves... firstLY.. my mom dONt trust mE.. nVm.. i stILl can suRvive.. nExt.. i toLd my daD and mOm tht i hOPed to join them for breakfirst tmL... i waSs just soo excited.. we could all bE like what we aRe in the paSt... dEn after tht.. tuItion teacher smSes me tht thEre will be a tuiTion tml at 10.. dEn i was liKe.. goSh.. how m i goING to aCcompany thEm foR breakfirst... dEn i toLd my daD.. hMm.. i have tuition tmL.. wat tiME will u all be leaviNG for breakfirst.. waAt about afTer breakfirst.. u dRop me off tuitioN>? shOCk come after thT was thT my fathEr say..'. I dON like uR way of planning / organiZing things.. you always have a motive... iF u want us to drOP u off tuition.. just say so.. dON't say u want to have breakfirst with us.. ' .. aftEr he saiD tht.. i was cOMpletely.. farEd up.. i was lIKe.. 'cOMe MOn.. i diDnt noe i have tuition the next day Ok? i thought it was in the afternnoon.. i just wannA be liKE in the past.. whEre we all just have some.. whAtever... tuitION? i can always go thEre my self.. transport was no prOBlem.. i cant believe u thiNk tht way..' dEn.. slowly.. i cried... my bRo was liKE.. comforting me.. thanKs.. i really nEed tht.. it was just simpLy so huRting.. foRget it.. i don wanNA have any thiNg more to do wiTh them.. in case i was accuse oF some uNknown mOTive i was harbOUring ... i m tiREd to caRry on these kINnda of liFe.. i miSsed to gO to a friend's birthday party to makE my parenT happy a liittle.. yEt.. they dO this to me.. i canT take it.. next tiMe.. i wanNA be wiF my friends.. i will just go aheaD.. i doN wanna care anymORe.. and they kEpt on saying ... i m just so tiRed.. i waNna retire at the beach.. just lie down at the hot sanD.. faCIng the hot sun.. feeling the cool water underneath... buRsting out m y pRoblems to the pERson who is listening.. i nEed tht.. i nEed to chill out.. oR else i really wouLd go maD... prObably next wEek.. canT stanD it anyMOre... i nEed tht.. lEt me chill out.. let me free... lEt me be myself... pleaSe... pleasEe...let me do the things i want...
tOxIc sUn reminisced on 11:43 PM